Write to Retrospect

Writing is something that has brought clarity of thought, understanding of the same and above all absolute joy to me. However, it is very difficult to make yourself sit, think and start writing about something. The first question that comes in a writer's mind is - what should I write about. Is that what a writer should do? Plan it out? I really don't think that is a good idea. I have observed one thing that it is the most random of works that are often the best ones.

Anyway, so one day I was talking to my dad while waiting for a doctor at the clinic for my mother's back pain. And that was one of the many times, that I came closer to knowing my dad. That day I got to know that he too liked writing and after talking to him for few minutes I realised that his imagination was quiet good. The power of imagination is what makes a significant difference between a good writer and not so good writer. Like I knew all these years that he did have a flare for writing, but I never took it seriously. It was just like how a kid cannot imagine their parents to be young that I could not imagine my dad writing stories. But that day's conversation changed my perception. My dad shared a story that he had written, a full novel length story. Unfortunately I don't remember the details of it, but I do remember that it was sort of bold for the times it was written in. By bold, I mean he had a woman as protagonist and the story revolved around the unusual life decisions that she makes. Frankly speaking, I couldn't believe that dad would have had such a great imagination and above all such forward thinking. I was really happy to know and also a little bit upset that he doesn't write anymore. Later I asked Amma if she ever had a chance to read his work, she said she couldn't read it herself as most of his work was in Malayalam and so my father used to read it to her. She admitted that she really liked his writing, but over the years, the drafts of all his stories were lost due to all the shifting from home to home. I wish I could have read his stories, and I hope that he starts writing again. He always encourages me to write, but I wish even I was able to motivate him the same way. 

Coming back to writing : Writing for me is to know myself better, I understand myself as a person better if I write my thoughts down. The good, the bad and the ugly side of me.  Writing lets one confront the thoughts that were deeply buried in the brain which is predominantly programmed by the society to have certain pretentious set of thoughts, often acknowledged as the "right" set of principles. Where as the truth is that every man has a darker side to him. Every man tries to live in make belief world where in he is the epitome of goodness. The thought of being evil is scary in the beginning. Almost maddening. But then one learns to live with it, and tame it. Once the fact that as a human one is capable of the highest levels of evilness is accepted, it becomes easier to live life. Accept everyone as just a human and nothing more. Everyone includes yourself as well.

Coming back to writing : It is also a hobby for many, I wouldn't say it is a hobby for me because I do not write very diligently every day. I would love to though. It is a perfect getaway from the daily routine. Imagine you can write absolutely anything you want, and chose if you want to share it or not. Isn't it amazing? Share your thoughts with a piece of paper- these days with a word document, and never let any living soul know about it. I think this can solve many emotional issues that a person might face, you know at a time when everyone is busy in their own lives that they don't have time to listen to each other. Hence I feel writing things down is like doing a self check, introspection or counselling, whatever phrase makes you feel better.

Coming back to writing ; I am bored to type now, yeah so everyone should give writing their thoughts down a try. Tell your story. Liberate that complex mind of yours that plays tricks on you. Keep it simple ;)

Color Color Which Color

Remember the game almost all of us played when we were kids? Color Color which Color? What fun it was!!! And lately, I have come to realize that almost all childhood games have a "hidden life lesson" or say a "hidden message" for how to play the game of life. Let us take this particular game for example-Color Color Which Color. I remember I used to like this game a lot, one of the reasons being - that we always used to run out of colors and this made us think about different colors and learn their names! Now, before we get into the "hidden message" of "Color Color Which Color" , let me explain the game. It is a game which can be played by two or more-no limits. The denner shouts out loud a color which the other players must find around them and touch it as soon as possible so that the denner doesn't catch them. If the player fails to touch that color or if caught by the denner before touching the color- then he becomes the new denner and the process continues till the time you just don't run out of colors. Now, the "hidden message"? No, not yet, but I shall explain it very soon. Before that I will talk about my sister, she is equally philosophical like me. I know, I know "philosophy" is boring and anyone and everyone is good at giving philosophical lectures :P But then just listening to philosophical talks  helps you understand ones' personality,  perception and thinking (that is what I think!). Anyway, So my sister - Keerti and I get into such discussions a lot of times and then there is no end to it. It goes on and on and then, we realize that we have ended the discussion on a competely different note than we had started it with. So coming to the point- no! not to the point of "hidden message" of "Color Color Which Color" yet-  but to the point that in one such discussions that my sister and I had, she explained a thing, which probably solved all my guilty feelings of life. She started it with some questions "what defines one's personality?", “Is it the same and never changing?" “Who defines it?"- I had no clue about the answers. So she continued - "Everyone has a different set of personality for everyone, like for example you! You are not the same Kruti as you are with parents or for that matter when you are with your friends... you are different to everyone! You are a different personality to your friends, your parents your sister and so on and so forth! Does this mean you are fake? No! No one is actually fake! No one likes to be fake. You cannot think of different SHADES of your personality to be fake! All those personalities together -is what makes you what you are. You reveal different shades of yourself to different people. You cannot be the same person everywhere! Imagine you being the same person to your parents the way you are with your friends! This explains the reason as to why there is an awkward silence and a cunning smile from your friends when they visit you at home. You need to be you in a way the situation and the people around you - demand. Or else God save you from the troubles you may face! Ah this reminds me of -no it's not the "hidden message"- just wait for some more time! 

Excited, thrilled or amazed, I don't know which word would rightly describe that feeling. The feeling we had when we were told to stage a drama in our college as a part of our Theatre subject's curriculum. We concluded that Prem Gadhvi Sir, (professor for theatre) was not joking when he said that we had to deal with every aspect of a drama - all by ourselves!!!- from story line to directing to performing. It took us one and a half month to decide just on the story line. And then script was fun but required too much of brain storming. Right from the stage of script writing, we had stepped in to the shoes of the characters to get the appropriate dialogues-to get the feel of it. Directing was another major part, which had to be done smartly. My friends came up with amusing ideas and our sir helped us with the execution of it. Believe me it is very difficult to bring a drama from papers to stage. 

That large echoing auditorium everyone standing in troops, holding their scripts, mugging up their dialogues, dressed in various costumes and waiting for their turn to use the stage for their last rehearsal was a sight that gave me an adrenaline rush!!! The day had come when we were supposed to exhibit our play. It was obvious that everyone wanted their play to be the best. The batch had come up with several themes like mime, Indian Pledge, Mystery of the lost train, Family drama and so on. You might be wondering why am I saying all this?The reason I am saying all this is to explain that- no not to explain the "hidden message" - but that our drama was a family drama in which we tried to show the expectations and emotions of various family members and the realization of their family bonding through COLORS. We had related the emotions to the seven colors of the rainbow and named our drama accordingly as "SATRANG". Then we were informed that we were the first group to perform! Hearing this my heart skipped a beat. I looked at my friends, to find some terror- but I could find only Colgate smiles returned to me. As per them it was good that our play would be the first one, we will have that "IMPACT", is what they had said. Their positive attitude made my eyes gleam with enthusiasm  As far as the acting part was concerned, I don't know there is some charm that the stage holds, each actor just forgets himself and gets into the character deeply. Every play went well and it gave us immense pleasure when people came and told us that our play was one of the best and that we acted well.So that was an end to the drama event-an event never to forget!!! 
So yeah about the-no not the "hidden message"- but the one thing I learned from our play was that everyone is made up of different emotions-colors. I feel the color white envisages all other colors, absorbs them! and hence gets its color WHITE (Peace), where as black just reflects all the colors. resulting to its color BLACK (Unrest, Fear). You need to be ready to accept any color in life in order to be at peace with life.There is a constant need to change the color of your personality as the situation and people demand or else you are OUT from the game of LIFE and then probably a denner.
Okay so where was I? The "hidden message"? Oh yes! the "hidden message"! -Common now! You are smart enough to have got it by now ;) The name of the game suggests it all...:)

Live the way you want!

There comes a time in everyone’s life where one meets a stalemate situation and has no idea how to get out of all the troubles that are happening only and only to him .You look around, and see everyone is happy and think-WHY NOT ME! Then you do some introspection and end up with the conclusion that after all, the problem lies within me and the way I am living my life and that I must try changing it a little bit. You start reading some books and do some self-improvement activities that helps you escape from your real self.  Does it work? Is it the right thing to do after all- to blame yourself and rely on books and motivational movies?

It feels so great to read something that tells us as to how should we be living our lives? Easy, isn’t it? You get tailor made solutions! What usually happens after reading? Let us see. In the beginning, it gives you immense motivation and the hope that you are capable of changing yourself and your life for better. You follow the new suggested “theory” that guarantees a better life, provided, you give your precious time to the new “theory” which has claimed to have changed people’s lives. These days, even I am in one of these phase where in I am trying to understand and explore some “theories” that might help me to understand myself and my life better. This is what happened to me, I followed the “theory” religiously with all faith in it, but then all that sincerity just faded away. It happens every time! It fades away within a month, a week, a day and sometimes the moment I am done reading such a philosophical book and put it down. Why does that happen? Why does this feeling follow us all through our lives? Why can’t we be just happy with what we have and are capable of?

The other day I was watching this movie “Tuesdays with Morrie”- adapted from a book written by Mitch Albom with the same title. It has got some of the most simple and best dialogues which tell you so many things in just about a single sentence. One of my favourite is when Morrie says “Why always be first-What’s wrong in being second?”How great it would be if all the people had the same thinking! Don’t you think all this frustration in life and WITH life comes from the fact that everyone is a part of the rat race! Everyone is just striving themselves and throwing themselves into the deep sea of stress, frustration and eventually disappointment. I would not deny the fact that somewhere even I was a part of this. But now after a bit of introspection, fortunately, I have decided to stay on the shore and enjoy my life. I don’t want to get drowned in this sea where in all I get, is suffocation. Instead I understand my capability and incapability, and do things without any expectation, because it’s the only way you can always avoid being disappointed.  The most unexpected thing happened after exploring all the self-improvement activities -- and it is that I realised one thing and I believe in that now- That in no way I can follow nor do I need to have a life-map giving me directions and instructions on how to live, and how to behave, how not to be angry ever and how to keep calm every time. For if I start doing all of that- I would not be a HUMAN anymore. Having said that, I don’t really mean that all the self-improvement activities are useless. NO! They do help in certain ways-like making you feel that after all there is a solution to every problem and the fact that life can be pretty interesting and good if perceived rightly. It gives you perception and a faith in life. No doubt about that. It’s just that you don’t have to follow each and everything that has been suggested by the “theories”. Well of course you can try some of them, but I am sure it won’t last much- for we human are not programmed to function that way. If you are able to follow it strictly, then please do accept my salute to your determination. But then, wouldn’t it get kind of robotic! I mean how can you not show anger and smile instead when you actually are burning red with anger! It just sounds so impossible and almost not human like. However this doesn’t mean that we have got the license to get angry on each and every small thing. Some people are born with the skill of controlling anger, some are not. So the point being is everyone is different.  You can’t do much about your inherent characteristic though, but then there is always a scope for improvement that comes with self realisation, which is hard to get by sitting and reading some self-improvement book. You need to experience your own bad traits in order for the self realisation and to understand that there is a scope of improvement.

No one has to change himself for the sake of it, don’t have to live the life for the sake of it, don’t have to take lot of pressure to be the best RAT in the lot. Instead he can live life peacefully and work towards changing it only and only if he really feels the need to, change it for adding quality to life, No one has to be the best student, best daughter, best friend, best wife, best husband or whatever just for the sake of being FIRST in the race. Strive for it only if you feel it, only if you want to do it. Don’t study to just PASS in exams, study to add some quality in your life, some perception to your life and eventually to add some happiness to your life. Always remember there is someone who is always ahead of you, so stop running for the finish line, instead run - to enjoy the journey.

Live the life-the way you want! or say...FEEL the life – the way u want!

Sudoku

He knew it then and there, at the very moment that she had after all, really got it for him. As she approached him with a gentle and serene smile, even he could feel a smile stretching on his lips which otherwise was a rare.  He took the book from her, feeling his rough hands against her soft and tender ones.

“For you” she said.

He felt rapturous, astonished and above all cared for.... and somehow he managed to say “thank you”.

The commencement of their beautiful and purely innocent friendship happened 3 months back, when she entered the library for the first time.

                                                                                                ****

He was sitting on his chair, just near the entrance, where he could see people coming and leaving the library, one leg crossed over the other, reading a local language newspaper, and some other books lying on the table. She entered, sat on the table just near to his. Both were engrossed in their reading, not even noticing each other. She was amazed at the silence that prevailed, it was as if the world had stopped - no sound, no music. Suddenly, breaking the silence he moved his chair away from the table, got up and started collecting the newspapers and books that the students had left on the tables after reading and had not bothered to keep it back on the rack. That is when she noticed him and their eyes met for a fraction of a second. He took them all, and placed them back very neatly. He arranged  the chairs back to their places, switched off the computers which once again the students did not bother to shut down. Seeing all this, she was impressed and she never expected him to do it, because she never saw someone of “his kind” do it.....after all who cared to put “things” at their proper places?!?

Observing him was intriguing for her now, she forgot that she was here to read the newspaper. She was a an observer and loved to observe people and guess their lives or say personality to a certain extent. For today she got her target, it was him, an intriguing personality, and now she was on her so called “mission” of knowing him better...

                                                                                                ****

The next day they were sitting at the same places, reading their own stuff. But this time not without noticing each other. She was observing him constantly like a hawk. She, for the first time noticed, that he was reading a book! She was bewildered by his uniqueness from others of “his kind”. Him reading, that too a book came as an unexpected surprise. Now, she started observing him admiringly.

Feeling someone’s eyes on him for more than 5 minutes, he turned to face her, she smiled at him, but unfortunately she did not get the same warm response from him, he just forced a smile which was unwelcoming.

This continued for days, when finally she decided to break the ice and talk to him, actually appreciate him for his efforts.

“Hey you are doing a great job, you know, keeping all the newspapers and chairs back. Good. It is for you that the library is so neat and clean” she said.

He could not say anything, he just smiled, this time a genuine one as  no one bothered before to appreciate him, no one bothered to talk to him....

This somehow changed his perception towards her, he accepted her as an acquaintance at least. Every day was same, she would come to the library, both of them would sit at the same places and then give each other a warm smile, not just once, twice or thrice, but all the time their eyes met. It happened once that she could not come for a long time and he could feel the void in the library without her. But finally she came one day and she crossed his table, giving him a smile as usual. She saw him solving Sudoku in the newspaper. Another surprise element in him, but this time she was not shocked as she had learned observing him that you should not judge a book by its cover. She accepted in appreciation. But this time she was really impressed by him, totally unexpected out of him.

The second time they talked was this day.

“Oh you like solving Sudoku?” she asked

He just nodded to this, once again managing not to speak anything.

“Even I like solving Sudoku, I do it every day, the one that comes in TOI? that one, and sometimes in my Sudoku book too”

He replied with a smile.

“Do you know that there are Sudoku books? You can solve more than one in a day if you want to”.

No, he shook his head.

“Hmm, I thought so, I have many books at home, Shall I get you one?”

Nodding yes, he smiled. She went back smiling and started reading her paper.

He did not expect her to get him a Sudoku book, he thought that she might have asked it just like that. Obviously, she would not remember to get one for him. Why should she remember for a person like him? She has got many other things to deal with in her life after all. And he just eliminated the thought of it from his mind thinking all of this. For the whole next week he did not see her at all. He got a little worried and felt a little lonely too. Where was she?

                                                                                ****

She entered the library, it was early morning 8.30. She saw him sitting on the chair, one leg crossed over the other, reading a local language newspaper, and some other books lying on the table, the same way she had seen him the first day. He looked up from his newspaper and saw her. She opened her bag and took out the book. 

He knew it then and there, at the very moment that she had after all, really got it for him. As she approached him with a gentle and serene smile, even he could feel a smile stretching on his lips which otherwise was a rare.  He took the book from her, feeling his rough hands against her soft and tender ones.

“For you” she said.

He felt rapturous, astonished and above all cared for.... and somehow he managed to say “thank you”, speaking for the first time ever to her.

She realised that she did not know his name.

“What is your name?”

“Rajesh” he said, she took the book, scribbled something on the first page and gave the book back

He could not believe that after all these years he did really manage to make a friend, a genuine friend, who really cared and after all bothered to know him personally. That was the day when they became from mere acquaintance to being good friends. He was enthralled and on cloud nine to share this with his other acquaintances. No one had done such a thing for him in years, it was just a book, but it made him feel very special. He showed and boasted it off to almost everyone entering the library. He pointed out her to everyone who asked as to where did he get the book from.

“It is a gift for me” he would say with pride .

He could not believe it, his happiness knew no bounds. He saw her leaving the library. The entire day he solved Sudoku. It was late night and time for the library to close. He opened the first page read it again.

“ To, Rajesh...From Ananya”, this was the first time he got to know her name.

This incident created an unnamed bond between them, it grew stronger and stronger with each passing day.

He was so happy that he even called her for a tea, they sat in the library itself and had tea talking over the Sudoku book. He was content that there is someone with whom he could talk to now.

It was late night and time for the library to close. He got up from his chair, the usual place where he sits all alone every single day. He kept all the” things” back to their places, with all the sincerity towards his work he switched off the lights, locked the door with the book still in his hands.

Walking towards his home and realising that he has really grown old now, feeling the pain in his knees and looking at his wrinkled hands, he was happy to have made a new friend after so many years. He was still amazed at the kindness and the affection of Ananya, after all who would even bother to do such a little thing for a man like him, for just a security guard of a library...

Sketches !!! :D

Memories Captured!

Sharanya came home running after her last exam of the final term, throwing her shoes and socks in a corner and her bag on the sofa.

She yelled at her mom with excitement and a big smile“ Yayy! Amma(mother), Exams Over!!! And the best part is we are going to Kerala tomorrow!!” Saying this she aligned her hand along her nose and mouth, making the sound of the train and started running all around the house. Her mom Ajitha, a lean and slim lady, happy at her daughter’s innocence and enthusiasm laughed and told her to change her clothes and come back to eat some delicious food that she had prepared to carry during the train journey.

After having her food, she rushed to her room, leaped onto the bed and just kept staring at the purely white wall with little scribbling of names, drawing of a bird and a flower  that she had made when she had just started going to school. Staring unblinkingly at the wall she started imagining things she would do in Kerala with her cousins. Getting carried away in her dream world, her mother entered and seeing her daughter smiling and staring at the wall, she was sure that Sharanya was again in one of her journey of beautiful reveries. Unfortunately and sadly, her mom had to break this never ending reverie of Sharanya.

“Sharanya, please tell me what all you want to carry for the train journey?I would  not entertain any of your last minute additions, and I am telling you this right away” Ajitha said, her face turning from smiling one to now serious.

But Sharanya still caught in the excitement did not notice it and without thinking even for a minute she started nattering “ Amma, I am sure you might have already packed lots and lots and lots of food!?!? Also biscuits, wafers, puri, tikhi bhakri and chocolates too! And.... and what about the delicious pickle Amma?” at this moment she was almost jumping on her bed and exclaimed “ And also I will take my sketchbook along, my walkman and...and story books from the station, Amma you will get me one na? Please? And will also take some playing cards to play in the train”

At this Ajitha replied “ Calm down my girl. Dad will get all the packed food items when he will return from office and by the way, are you even going to find time to sketch? You would be so busy playing all day with Rahul, Deepu, Mira and Nitin. Why are you increasing the  luggage unnecessarily?”

“illa(no)....I will surely find time” she said with a persuading smile.

Ajitha very well knew that she was not even going to remember about the things that she would carry, in case she gets bored. She will forget all of it the moment she will see her cousins, but still she allowed all of it to be carried so that Sharanya is not disappointed by any chance.

Tiinnngg tooonngg  went the door bell.

 Shranya knew by the way bell rang that who else it might be other than her dear Achan(Father)? She ran to the door and opened it at once. And for Krishnan’s surprise he found small, soft and tender arms around his waist tightly wrapped.

                                                                        ****

Next morning there was a chaos with Ajitha hurrying to get ready and doing some last minute packing . It was the only day in the year when Sharanya got out from her bed without any tantrum.

They reached the station right on time. The sight of the train coming towards her just to take her along with it, for a long journey, was enthralling for her. They got into the train, settled their luggage and themselves. She was restless throughout the journey. She did not know what to do and what not to do. She sticked her face out from the window and watched the scenery and tried her maximum to see the train at a turning point.

She leaped from her seat birth while sleeping when she heard voices like “kapi kapi...”, “chaya chaya” “ ice-crreaam” or for that matter anything.

The suspense of what is coming made her lean from her middle birth holding one of the handles, almost falling and trying to see what was coming to her. The moment it came to them, she would give a quick glance to her Acha in the hope that he would ask her if she wants something. It was adventurous for at least her to get out of the train and shop something with her dad at the station. And then at the siren of the train, run back to the train with the high risk of not being able to get on the train on time. Whenever she succeeded at that she thought herself to be some superwoman. The only thing she avoided was to go to the toilet or anywhere near that. She was trying her level best that the one and a half day she is in train, she should not feel the need to go to the toilet!

                                                                        ****

“ Sharanya wake up, common we have reached” said Krishnan, she was still in her sleep, half awake.  It was midnight.

“hmmm?? We reached the Tharvad (Mansion)?” asked Sharanya, eyes still closed.

“NO, just the station, see Rahul is here to welcome you Sharanya”

At this she jumped and started looking around. She saw Rahul and gave a tight hug to him, with a big smile which reflected the happiness all the way through her gleaming eyes. Soon they reached the Tharvaad. She met everyone and hugged all of them, but went off to sleep as journey was tiresome. The next 3 weeks were amazing for little Sharanya.

She enjoyed every bit of her stay at Kerala. Being pampered by her grandparents was after all an event that occurred just once in a year. She would have all the mangoes, jackfruits and chembakya( a local sour fruit) all by herself. She would run all around tharvad screaming and playing, climbing up and down the stairs. She would go out in the fields and stare and appreciate the beauty of nature for hours. She played and imagined most of the time. The best part was when they all would go for a bath in the river crossing the fields about more than 2 km.

One such evening when they planned to go to the river with everyone putting their towel around their neck and carrying snacks, a big plastic ball and water to drink,

 Sharanya  said “ aye!!! Etta (Brother)! Lets have a race. You go from the other way, I will come from here, let’s see who reaches the Railway track first!”

“ podi, u know it would always be us and only us, this is our town Sharnaya!!” he said sticking out his tongue “ we are the princes of this kingdom.”

“Hey this is my town and native too. Besides I have my dad who was and still is the KING of these fields, he knows them more than you” said Sharanya almost defending herself. And with this started the race but like every time Rahul and Deepu, having the responsibility of good brothers, got defeated by Sharanya!

Finally after crossing the railway track and a little but comparatively a big mountain of tightened sand  they would reach the river. Sharanya, all these years had noticed that every year when she comes to the river, there is a subsequent decrease in the water level. Standing on the top of the hill she exclaimed

“ The water level is less than the last year! What’s happening?!?”

“ Yeah! It’s those building making people, they take away lots of sand for the construction, which is causing this, if this goes on there will be no water in our bardapuzha ( name of the river) one day!” said Mira with a sad tone.

With this Sharanya started imagining about what would be life like in Kerala without this friend of her-her bardapuzha.

“ Want to race again madam?” asked Deepu and started running like a thunder bolt.

“huh” Sharanya turned to see that Deepu had already started running.

“Hey!!! Wait! Not fair! I am coming!!!”

After all the fun she had of playing till late nights with not only the kids but also watching the elders play some elderly games that she never understood, after all the teasing, fighting, competing and playing with all her cousins, after having all the fresh fruits like mango, jackfruit and chembakya saved and stored by her achachan(Grandfather) specially and only for her, after enjoying all the delicacies that her Amuma(Grandmother) had cooked for her and after meeting her old friend, the river, almost every evening, it was now time to leave.

                                                                        ****

It was 8 in the night.

“bye everyone” said Krishnan putting the luggage inside the jeep that would take them to the station. Sharanya was silent all this while. She got into the jeep and forcing a smile she said “bye” . The moment jeep started moving Shranya turned back to have a vague glimpse of the people and all her inanimate friends who would change the next year she comes through the glass of the jeep that was covered with dust. She knew that the river, trees and Tharvad would not be the same to welcome her next time . Her grandparents would have grown older. Her cousins would all be big kids and would soon find no time to play with her. Still she hoped strongly that nothing  would change so greatly.

And with this, she turned to capture her beautiful memories one last time!